‘You have funny looking knees’
-My cousin’s friend Lee
This month isn’t really a philosophy essay, but it does touch on an ethical subject. Many of the things we do in life have unexpected consequences. A commonly cited example is the concept of ‘double effect’ where a morally good action also causes an unintended (foreseeable) harmful effect. Even more common is when our actions have unforeseen negative effects. The example that I want to talk about here is the effects that our comments may have on the listener. These may be totally unexpected or may just be greater than we anticipated.
Most of us make what we consider to be ‘offhand’ remarks. These may be trivial, seemingly inconsequential comments They may be polite compliments, mild or playful insults or just observations that are made on the spur of the moment. We generally don’t give these much thought and assume that no one else does either. Most of the time that is probably correct, but sometimes that assumption is very wrong. How many times has a feud started because someone made an unkind remark, possibly even one that the speaker did not mean in an unkind way?
I can think of at least four times that someone said something that stuck with me. Some of these had a surprising impact on my life. Two were kind, or at least complimentary. Two others were not.
When I was quite young, maybe 10 years old I was on a car trip to the lake with a group including my brothers and sisters, my older cousin Dawn and her friend Lee. Dawn and Lee were teenaged girls and I was somewhat in awe of them as a young boy might be. I was wearing shorts and Lee looked at my legs and said that I had funny looking knees. Today I really don’t think my knees are exceptional in either a good or a bad way, but for years I was convinced that I had odd looking knees and was quite self conscious about them. Another personal trait that I still feel uncomfortable with is my voice. Around the same time as the ‘knee incident’ I was happily chatting to a family member who, out of the blue, told me that I had a voice that was unpleasant to listen to. I don’t remember her exact words, but I do know it shut me up and I have always felt that I have a bad speaking voice.
On a more positive note, when I was in school goofing around with friends one of them made the comment that I could be a professional stand-up comic. Now this is no more true than the suggestion that I have weirdly deformed knees but it has given me a certain confidence in speaking in a group.
The most striking example that comes to mind and the one that prompted me to write this entry took place when I was in the ninth grade. I did not actually hear the comment but is was related to me by my mother. She had just attended a parent/teacher interview with my English teacher, Ms. Parisian. My teacher told her that she believed that I could succeed at anything that I put my mind to. Obviously this was an intentionally encouraging comment if she had meant for it to be shared, but it stuck with beyond what she probably expected. Many times in life I have set myself challenges with a confidence that if I try I will be able to succeed. Many times I have remembered that brief comment made by my ninth grade English teacher. I am quite sure that when she said it she had no idea that it would be a source of inspiration and encouragement for the rest of my life.
What I want to express in this month’s entry is that it is more than the big, dramatic actions that we take in life that matter. We should be cognizant of how even a small compliment, or criticism, may have an effect out of proportion to what we might expect. Therefore, when praise is earned, don’t be afraid to dish it out, but do so sincerely. And think twice, or three times, before you dish out criticism that might be more harmful than you might ever realize.
Wayne
July 2025
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